I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
