recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
