i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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