All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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