You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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