a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
