Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
