Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
