I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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