with your own penis?
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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