it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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