He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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