Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
