why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
