He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
