My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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