You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
