Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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