very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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