Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
