I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
