i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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