Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
