So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
