you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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