Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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