is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
