Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
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