I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I lost the right to judge tonight
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
