I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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