Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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