Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
