Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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