Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
