I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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