Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
