I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
