I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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