I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
