so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
