I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
