Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She told me I should be a condom model.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
