Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
My first STD was from a foam party
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
