What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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