I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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