smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
