she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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