Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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