This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
