I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
